Sex life? What sex life? You’re a parent and life is so busy that you barely have time to think about your own needs, let alone do anything about meeting them. It can seem like your own needs don’t matter, it’s the children that have top priority and you have to do whatever it takes to look after them. Don’t be fooled, your needs are important and neglecting them isn’t good for anyone, not you, not your partner and definitely not your children. Sure you can’t do all the things you did before children, life has changed and pleasure comes in different ways. But you are still an adult with adult needs and for you to feel fulfilled they need to be met.
So how do you find time and energy for sex when there are so many other things demanding your attention? It takes a bit more planning and effort than in the past but you need to tell yourself that it can happen and it is definitely worth it.
What if you don’t want anyone touching you after having children crawling all over you all day? Some people have a quotient for the amount of physical contact they need and can comfortably accommodate in a day. But if you think about it children touch you differently to how your partner touches you and for the most part, it’s all take.
1. Make it a priority and it will happen. Feeding the children quickly becomes a priority when you have nagging children at your feet. Make your desires like that and don’t let up until you have got what you need.
2. Find a time that works. It may be early in the morning before the children wake up, it may be immediately after they’ve gone to bed ignoring the dishes and the washing and cleaning up, it may be during the day while the kids are watching a video. You have to make time for each other.
3. Do some things that make you think about sex. It can be hard to switch your brain from babyland to sex so you may need a little help. Watch a sexy movie, read erotic fiction together, write your partner a sexy note, think back to a time when you had great sex (c’mon you can do that, it can’t be that long, surely, you have children afterall!), relive how good it felt.
4. Take a shower together. There is something about getting naked and wet together that can be very erotic.
5. Expect interruptions and don’t be put off. OK you start kissing and you hear a baby cry. You try to ignore it but you can’t. So you go off and tend to them and then think the moment is gone. But it isn’t. And if it is then get it back by viewing the interruption as a diversion which has increased your appetite for sex not soured it.
6. Don’t wait until you get into bed to initiate sex. When you’ve been together awhile it’s easy to fall into habits, like falling into a deep sleep as soon as your head touches the pillow, and sometimes it’s those habits that you need to break in order to kickstart your sex life. Sex can happen anywhere so make use of the spaces you have.
7. And the most important thing you need to do – don’t give up! You can find a way to make it happen. Know that your needs are important and you will function better when they’ve been met.